I think im going to throw up on grandma
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
