Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
