new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
