He had one of those small greek statue penises
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
