woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
