he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
