He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
