Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
