And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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