Quick, to the slutcave!
Barsexuality is the new black.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
