Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
