You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
