Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
