I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
