seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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