i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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