I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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