a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
