my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
