what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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