I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
