Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
