you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
