i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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