2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
