is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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