Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
