The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
