OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
hell yes lets make some ravioli
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
People in love make me want to vomit
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
