Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
