Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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