I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
