I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
