My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
