I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
