I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
