Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
