I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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