he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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