I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
