so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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