nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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