He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
