Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
