Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
