the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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