I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
