My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
