You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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