the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
