As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
