Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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